The email came in at 9:07 a.m. with the polite but deadly subject line: “Quick feedback on your work.”
Your stomach is tight, your face is hot, and you’re already going over every decision you made three paragraphs later. You tell yourself not to take it personally, but your body didn’t get the message.
Someone else in the office reads the same feedback, takes a sip of coffee, shrugs, and starts rewriting as if it were nothing. Same words. Same red changes to the track. A completely different storm inside.
Neuroscientists say this isn’t just about “being sensitive.”
There is a certain personality trait that changes how our brains handle criticism without us even knowing it.
The quality that turns criticism into fuel
Psychologists call it “high self-distancing,” but it’s actually very human.
When something hurts, some people naturally step outside of themselves a little bit.
They don’t go together with the comment. They hold it at arm’s length for a second.
Instead of saying, “I’m awful at this,” their brain says, “This version isn’t great yet.”
Brain scans show that these people have less activity in the areas of the brain that are linked to social pain.
The criticism still hurts. It doesn’t take over the whole system, though.
A group at the University of Michigan asked people to remember a fight that hurt them.
Half of them were told to remember it from their own point of view: “Why did I feel this way?”
“Why did you feel this way?” was like talking to a friend, and the others were told to back off.
That little change in grammar made a big difference.
People who took distance said they thought more clearly, had calmer emotions, and ruminated less.
Neuroscience labs observe a comparable phenomenon regarding criticism.
Individuals who inherently “zoom out” exhibit heightened activity in areas associated with cognitive control.
Instead of spiraling, their brain starts to analyze.
This trait is similar to what researchers call a “growth mindset” and “cognitive reappraisal.”
In short, it’s the belief that you can get better at things and the habit of looking at what happens to you in a different way.
A person with a fixed mindset sees criticism as a judgment of who they are.
“You don’t do well with presentations.” That’s it.
A mind that wants to grow and stay separate sees it as temporary and specific.
“Today’s presentation missed the mark in these three areas.”
That small change in wording changes the mix of chemicals in your brain.
Less cortisol and more activity in the prefrontal cortex.
The criticism doesn’t make you feel like a threat; it’s just information about what you did.
How to teach your brain to “take in” criticism
The good news is that this trait isn’t a special genetic gift.
You can train it, like you would with mental physiotherapy.
Language starts with one simple gesture.
When someone says something mean to you, stop and think about it again, but this time use your name instead of “I.”
“I can’t speak up in meetings” turns into “Alex had a bad meeting today.”
It sounds strange, almost like a kid, but that small distance really affects the brain.
Then just ask one question: “What can I get out of this that will help me?”
Only one.
The most common trap is acting like criticism doesn’t hurt.
You say you “don’t care,” but your body is already tense, your jaw is tight, and you spend the night arguing with an imaginary boss in the shower.
At the other end, there’s another trap: believing that every bad thing you think about yourself is true because someone else said it.
One bad report suddenly “proves” that you’re lazy, disorganized, and hopeless.
A more gentle middle ground looks like this:
First, admit that it hurts. Then, on purpose, make the scope smaller.
“Today’s draft was weak” doesn’t mean “I’m a disaster.”
Let’s be honest: no one does this every day.
Ethan Kross, a neuroscientist, puts it simply: “The words you use to talk to yourself are tools.” They can help you deal with the hardest feelings if you pick them up the right way.
Change to third person and use your name to run the criticism again, as if you were talking about a character. It calms the emotional centers and gives you a new point of view.
First, zoom in, then zoom out.Ask, “What is being criticized?” Skill, conduct, or identity? Make it more specific so you can work on it.
One action, not ten. Choose one specific change to try next time. A shorter presentation, a clearer subject line, and a draft sent out sooner.
- Set a time limit on the ruminationTake 10 minutes to write down your feelings and let them out. When the timer goes off, start planning. Your brain likes things with clear edges.
- Get another brainAsk someone you trust to read the feedback and say, “What would you do with this if it were about you?” New ways of looking at things make the blow less painful.
When criticism turns into a mirror instead of a weapon
When you stop seeing every piece of feedback as a vote on your worth, you feel a sense of freedom.
Criticism doesn’t get nicer, but it does get clearer.
“You can’t do it” is no longer what your boss says when you’re late.
It becomes more like “There’s a difference between how long you think tasks take and how long they really do.”
This change happens over time, and it changes who you are from the inside out.
You begin to see yourself as someone who can make mistakes without falling apart.
Someone who can change their mind without looking bad.
*That’s a very different nervous system to have to deal with every day.*
| Key point | Detail | Value for the reader |
|---|---|---|
| Self-distancing trait | Ability to mentally step back and see oneself from the outside | Helps absorb criticism without collapsing or getting defensive |
| Language as a lever | Using your name and third person to replay difficult feedback | Reduces emotional overload and keeps the rational brain online |
| From verdict to data | Reframing criticism as information about behavior, not identity | Turns painful comments into a practical roadmap for progress |
Questions and Answers:
Question 1When neuroscientists say that some people “handle criticism better,” what personality trait are they really talking about?
They’re talking about a mix of self-distancing and a “growth mindset.” Instead of taking every comment as a final judgment, it’s the tendency to see yourself from the outside and think that your skills can improve.
Question 2: Is it possible for me to change how my brain reacts to criticism as an adult?
Yes. Research on cognitive reappraisal shows that the brain is still flexible. Reframing feedback over and over, talking to yourself in the third person, and focusing on “one useful thing” can help you become less emotionally reactive over time.
Question 3: Does taking criticism mean I should believe everything people say about me?
No, “absorbing” doesn’t mean “agreeing.” It means staying calm enough to put feedback into three groups: useful, biased, or not useful. You keep the information, not the insult.
Question 4What if the criticism is obviously unfair or mean?
First, take care of your feelings by stopping, breathing, and calling it “harsh” or “unfair” in your head. Then ask someone who isn’t involved. Distance helps you think strategically instead of reacting out of hurt.
Question 5: How can I practice this without having to wait for bad things to happen?
Take small, safe steps. Get feedback on an email, a slide, or a recipe. Then practice the steps: reframe in the third person, write down one useful thing, and do one small thing. Little reps build the trait long before the big storms come.
