It looks like a hotel room that you can’t touch because it’s so clean.
Anna, who is 32, still straightens the cushion three times before she sits down. She laughs about it, but her shoulders stay tense and her eyes dart to the smallest thing that isn’t right. “Are you mad at me?” her boyfriend’s message lights up her phone. No, she isn’t. She waited 12 more minutes to answer because she was too scared to do so because she didn’t know if her answer was “good enough.”
If you said something wrong in her house, the door might slam. Where people talked about grades like they were choices. Where love always seemed to be a step behind how well things were going.
She says she had a “good childhood.”
It seems like she’s been walking an invisible straight line for her whole adult life.
When tough love leaves marks on a child’s brain that they can’t see
Psychologists refer to excessively strict parenting as “authoritarian.”
A lot of stress, not much love, and always being in charge. The kind of childhood where you could guess how your parents would react before you even said anything.
These kids often seem like the best kids: they are polite, work hard, and never cause trouble.
Something else is quietly coming together inside. A radar that looks for threats. A belief that love is something you have to earn, not just get. A nervous system that gets scared when it thinks about letting someone down.
That’s the twist that isn’t clear.
Strictness affects not only behaviour, but also how a young brain connects to understand love, safety, and worth.
Mark is now a lawyer who is doing well at 40. His coworkers respect him. He always brings colour-coded papers with him, never misses a deadline, and never yells.
They don’t see him staring at emails at 1:23 a.m. and reading the same sentence over and over because he thinks, “What if they think I’m stupid?”
When I was a kid, getting a B+ meant that no one could talk to me for a week. After I broke a glass, someone yelled at me for “wasting money” and “being careless.”
Mark has enough money right now to buy every pair of glasses in the world.
He feels the same rush of panic in his chest when his boss calls out of the blue or his partner says, “We need to talk.”
Research in psychology regarding authoritarian parenting reveals a recurring pattern: increased obedience and diminished self-confidence.
Kids learn how to behave, but they don’t always learn to have faith in themselves.
When a child is always being told what to do or criticised, their brain stays alert. Cortisol, the hormone that makes you feel stressed, becomes your friend. Comfort seems to depend on something. It doesn’t feel safe to let go.
So, even though those rules aren’t there anymore, their bodies will still remember them when they grow up.
The strict parent leaves the house, but their voice is still in their head, telling them to “Do better.” “Don’t mess this up.”
How strict parenting can affect love, work, and mental health in ways you might not expect
People who had strict parents as kids are often very good at finding problems in romantic relationships.
They apologise too soon. Or they don’t talk about hard things because in the past, confrontation meant punishment, not talking things out.
Some people hold on because they are afraid of being left behind. Some people keep their partners at arm’s length because they still feel like being emotionally close is a test they might fail. “I’m fine” becomes a shield. They really want someone to suddenly get cold, like mom did when the report card wasn’t perfect.
They are scared of more than just losing love.
They think they are the reason love leaves.
A strict upbringing can seem like a superpower at work until it slowly breaks you down.
Most of the time, these adults are very successful. They are the ones who volunteer for everything, never miss a meeting, and always check their work three times.
Their bosses like how reliable they are.
Their bodies are the ones that pay. Heart racing before getting feedback. Nights without sleep before giving a speech. It feels like you have to ask someone to let you rest, like you have to ask someone to let you breathe.
A lot of people have a “good soldier” mindset from when they were kids: you don’t ask questions, you don’t say no, and you don’t set limits.
Let’s be honest: no one does this every day without breaking down at least once.
Mental health is like a mirror that shows scars that were hidden before.
Anxiety, guilt that never goes away, feeling like a fraud, or a strange emptiness when they’re not working.
Parents who are strict don’t want to hurt their kids. A lot of people were scared and wanted to get their kids ready for a hard world.
But when love is too closely linked to fear, control, or pressure, a child silently decides, “I’m only safe when I’m perfect.”
That thought gets into everything. It alters their self-talk, relaxation methods, partner selection, and even their approach to happiness.
If you grew up thinking that something bad would happen, happiness can feel like a trap instead of a home.
Getting out of the cycle: from a tough inner drill sergeant to a more caring inner parent
A small, real step that many therapists recommend is to start paying attention to when you use your “strict parent voice.”
Be aware of when you talk to yourself like your parents did. Short, sharp, and easy to understand.
Write down the sentences as they are: “You’re so lazy.” “You’re going to screw this up.” “Why can’t you act like everyone else?”
Then, next to each one, write what a caring adult would say instead. Not cheesy, just nice.
For example, you could say “You’re tired and overwhelmed” instead of “You’re failing at everything.” You are doing what you can today.
It looks easy on paper. It’s like being a parent again in real life.
A common mistake is thinking that getting better means being “perfectly healed.”
Reading every book, doing every exercise, and turning self-improvement into yet another show.
If you grew up with strict rules, your brain will try to make healing a rule too.
Don’t go too far with that. You don’t have to write in your journal or go to therapy if you’re tired. Be honest when a friend asks, “How are you really?”
At some point, we’ve all realised that we’re more scared of disappointing other people than of disappointing ourselves.
That’s usually the first step toward making things better. Not a big deal. Don’t talk down to yourself in your own voice.
“I don’t agree” can be the most brave thing a “strict kid” says, even if they only say it in their heads.
Start with small acts of rebellion: leave dirty dishes in the sink once a week and go to bed. Wear the shirt that is a little wrinkled. Just be “good enough,” not perfect.
Say no to little things: Once a month, say no to one social plan. At work, say, “I can’t do that right now.” Pay attention to how the world stays together.
Don’t let your fear tell you what to do. Instead, ask your body: Before you say yes, stop and feel your jaw, shoulders, and stomach. “Tight” means “I’m not okay with this,” even if your mouth is smiling.
Change the plot: When you hear your parents say something old in your head, tell yourself, “That was then.” “I’m not that weak kid anymore.”
Let safe people in: Tell a small truth to someone you trust. Not everything about your life, just a little bit more than usual.
Living with the past without letting it run your life
Some adults who grew up in strict homes never really got over the pressure they felt as kids. The goal is not to get rid of it. The goal is to stop putting it in the front seat.
You could still use colours to mark your calendar. You might still jump when someone yells. You might still spend too much time thinking about texts from your boss or partner.
That doesn’t mean you’re not complete. It means that your nervous system learned how to deal with a certain kind of weather.
What changes your life is not pretending that your childhood was different.
Letting your adult self make new rules that are kinder, smarter, and more respectful of your limits than anyone else ever was with you is what changes your life.
The main point Detail: What it means to the reader
How we talk to ourselves is affected by strict parenting.Kids who live in authoritarian homes learn that their worth is based on how well they do and how well they follow the rules.Helps adults understand why they are so hard on themselves and where it comes from. It affects their work and love life.People who are afraid of conflict, want to make others happy, and work too much often learned these things when they were young.Gives you a new way to think about patterns in relationships and job burnout.
You can “reparent” in a gentle way.Instead of being hard on yourself, use kind words and small acts of rebellion.Gives you useful tools to make your inner world safer over time
